|Posted by Trisha on June 25, 2012 at 6:35 AM||comments (0)|
It seems like my story of the end of my childhood begins with a downfall. My grandpa died when I was 12 years old and he was like a father to me, cause my real dad was never here. My grandpa was the only male figure in my little world and he loved me very much. And one day, suddenly, he was gone.
I changed my school and couldn't find myself between the other kids. I was a loner, an outcast. I never spoke with anyone and I was used to calling me a freak or a weirdo. However, it hurt me very much. I sank into depression that lasted over 1,5 year and I began to self harm. I attempted a suicide a few times, because I wanted that nightmare to end.
The school I was walking to, was a school for rich kids, I was a poor one who got a scholarships for good grades. My depression though turned me into one of the worst students. I didn't care. What for? I was ashamed that I couldn't afford new clothes like other girls and I never let my dad, who came back home back then, to took me to my school with his car, it was so terrible.
Then, somewhere between my sadness, I started writing, composing. I wrote poems, short stories, song (I play the guitar). And though no one still wanted to talk to me, people started respecting me for what I was doing, cause I was the best in my school. If there was some art project in my class, everybody was pointing at me. I was so shy back then. Sometimes I even stopped breathing to not to disturb anybody. I didn't eat at school... I still have problems with eating in public, so sometimes I can go days on just a water. But it's not healthy and I'm trying to get rid of this too
Somehow I finished this school and started a highschool. It was a little change. I had a friend and I opened myself a little. I passed all my mature exams and got to an university I wanted.
I turned 19 and I was living in one rented room with my good friend. We were like sisters, or a pair some would said. We shared everything and we were having fun together. I developed pretty big nicotine addiction and we liked to drink much beer an stuff. These were a few most crazy months in my life. It ended with kicking us outta the room and we were homeless for a few days. I coudn't care less. I was a queen of the city and I needed a party. I wanted music and champagne.
Me and my friend had to split up and I moved into some older ladie's flat. I had a little pink room and soon it appeared my depression came back on a track. I didn't come up of my room, unless I wanted to smoke, I started cutting and hating myself. I was preparing myself to die. I chose a song I wanted to be played. I chose a short, bright blue dress...
...I was after short and devastating relationship. I was raped. I was again an outcast. I had only a few buddies who liked to drink with me.
I went to psychiatrist cause I had to fight. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, later with schizotypal personality disorder. This was who I always was, I still am, and I always be. I'll always have ups and downs and people will thing I'm a little freaky. But I am very lovable freak^^
I had to eave university due to the state of my health and attempted suicide once again. I cut deeper. I OD'd more often. I went up and down, up and down... and I know it'll happen some time again, but I'm enjoying my life as it is now.
What has changed? I went to school, I met some amazing friends, I published two books of my poetry and soon I'll publish my first novel. I started a band and I'm still writing songs. I found out how much fun you can get from cosplay.
I am 21 years old now. Quite a few years has passed, ne? And I'm still kicking and I'm gaining for everything. You gotta be brave, sweethearts, brave and strong and never ever give up on yourself no matter how dark and scary the night can be. People will always talk bullshit. Like Lady Gaga said: 'People will always talk, so lets give them sumthin to talk about'
I am survivour and I'll never stop fighting. For myself, and for all of you who need that <3
|Posted by Glitter on April 19, 2012 at 1:00 PM||comments (0)|
I'd love to thank you all for your kindness towards me. You are all so sweet and I trust that you will go very far with your lives. You've tried to help me, but the truth of the lie is, I'm unhappy. I've been told I care too much about others and not enough about myself, and, so, I'm going to do something I haven't been able to get right. I want to tell you all how much you've effected my life, how much Gaga has made me happy, but I can't live a lie anymore. I'm not who you all think. I'm lonely and emotionally dead. No matter how much I care about you... I need time for myself. A lot of time, to be alone and build up my confidence.
I need confidence, enough so I can will myself to stop cutting, drinking, smoking, and purging. I might not make it home tonight, but that's okay. I'll be happy. No need to worry. I'm fine. You're all so kind.
-This is the last entry for me Loopy_SC, Glitter The Gagacorn, Jayde-Stefani Littlemonster Germanotta. No matter how you know me, I'm fine.
Stay Strong Monsters, I love you.
|Posted by felicia on April 12, 2012 at 7:25 PM||comments (0)|
Lady Gaga is so amzing to me
|Posted by Glitter on March 13, 2012 at 12:55 AM||comments (8)|
Hey, Jayde again. And if you haven't read my earlier entry. I've been bullied for my sexual preference, weight, and face at school. I'm abused at home and have been cutting now for near six years. Two weeks ago I turned sixteen and was faced with the anniversary of when I ran away, and more importantly, my first suicide attempt. I realised how different, yet still the same I am one year later. My life, is still on it's last threads, yet I have different friends, different bullies, and a different life. I am more thin, and more pretty people tell me. But I don't feel that way. I can't eat because eating makes you fat and I have continued to cut, despite efforts to quit. I want to talk to my school counselor, but I can't because he'll tell my mother. And I'm scared. In many ways I've grown stronger, but at the same time, last night I grew angry and repeirced my belly button. I feel fat and ugly all the time and don't talk to people at school. They call me Lady Gaga, which is utterly flattering, until they say 'she kissed a girl, shes a lesbian. look how she dresses, she's a freak. she has no taste in music.' and more.
So I feel forced to go home, and cry. Each time I cut, I cut deeper and it hurts. But I literally cannot make myself stop. It is a true addiction, like drugs or alcohol. And, it is truly, very, very difficult to stop. If you ever, ever feel like cutting, or suicide... come to me, I can and will help you. I will always have time. Don't ever do something irrational, like me, it may change your life for the worse. I have no friends, and I get beat up.
Why? Because I'm a lesbian. Because of Jamey. Because Jamey, aka James Timothy Rodemeyer was my best friend. And I tried to stop him. Unfortunately his bullies got to him first. He was so sweet, and I felt terrible. He always told me, when he was gone, I had to 'come out'. He made me promise, so I did. And then he died, so I came out the next day. It was the beginning of the second to worse school year of my life. Coming up close to last year, where I had to transfer schools because it got so bad. And I may have to again.
|Posted by IWasBornThisWay on March 4, 2012 at 9:20 AM||comments (2)|
|Posted by LadyBreeSuxx on February 24, 2012 at 8:50 PM||comments (5)|
It has taken me some time but I have realized I do not have any friends. I have a cellphone but it sits there silently everyday. I feel so alone in this world.
|Posted by alekisalejandro on February 19, 2012 at 5:35 AM||comments (2)|
The summer before my junior year was crucial to me. That was when I truly began to love Gaga. Before she was just another artist on the radio with good dance music. The Fame really changed my life. I cleaned my room the day after I bought it and listened to it while I was being distracted by all the crazy things in my room. My early favorites were Papparazzi, LoveGame, Brown Eyes, and Paper Gangsta.
Michael Jackson also factored into the equation. His death saddened me. I consumed his music and watched many of his videos that summer and learned so many things. Such as how to communicate emotion through song lyrics. It was a happy/sad summer. But life goes on of course.
I've always liked writing. It helped me get through tough times. Writing for this blog is a form of stress relief for me. I had never written a song before Gaga. But I loved the structure and the meaning her songs had whether they were upbeat or ballad-y. I wish Gaga would do more ballads, her contralto his perfect for them. Anyway, I tried my hand at writing songs. The first few sucked because the hooks were just all wrong and most of them were about dancing. I wanted to write a dance song as good as MJ or Gaga. I knew I couldn't sing them because my voice is not well-trained yet. This frustrated me. So I just focused on the writing and not actually singing the songs.
My junior year was also the year that I started doing all these after-school activities. I had done track the year before because one of the girls I liked was doing track. I joined the Quiz Bowl team and GSA. Most of my friends were in GSA. I was scared to join because again, I had low self-esteem and I knew people would find out and judge me for it. I asked my parents about joining. To my surprise they were pleased that I wanted to join. They told me that striving for tolerance was important. I should've known, my parents are open-minded.
The first meeting was great. Everyone talked about current LGBT issues. Some of which I had no idea about. I added my opinion. I've always been for LGBT rights but I was too afraid to support for fear of being attacked for believing in something. But in GSA, it was a hate-free zone. We all cared for each other and we were a family. We laughed, some of us cried, Some of us got angry.
I was angered by all the injustice I was seeing so I sat down and wrote my first serious song. This was not one you could dance to. But rather one you can march to.
It was called What They Say. It was about equality and it was partially inspired by MJ's song Black or White. What They Say was about loving yourself and uniting together to change the world. I showed it to the president of GSA. She loved it. I showed it to other people. They loved and said I was a talented writer. It was like my Born This Way. Of course this was in 2009 before Gaga had even released The Fame Monster. I was proud of it. I wanted to put it on the bulletin board in the room where meetings were held, but I lost the song. It's in my room somewhere. If I don't find it, I'll rewrite and post for everyone to enjoy.
My happiness was at an all time high. I was 64% confident with myself. But then I was betrayed by a member of GSA and cyber-bullied. That is another story.
P.S. I really hate breaking all these stories up. I can't tell them all in one place. I just have too much on my mind. So bear with me little monsters! Each story I write relinquishes the poison welled up inside.
|Posted by alekisalejandro on February 19, 2012 at 3:40 AM||comments (4)|
I was always the shortest kid in the class or even the entire grade. I was certainly never the strongest. I was picked on for these things. This was in elementary school when people did this kind of stuff. I wasn't the tall kid who leapt into the heavens to score a basket. Nor was I kid the kid who could climb all the way to the top of rope in gym class like scaling Mount Everest. Instead I was better at reading, writing and making people laugh. That's how I got through elementary school. To be honest though, it's not like they were being mean. Just slightly teasing.
As my personality developed, I was became known as the kid who was really funny and spiked his hair up with different colored hair gel. I was pretty well-liked for that. I wasn't trying to be different, but I enjoyed setting myself apart from the other kids.
Here's where the real problem started. In middle school. To this day, I have sweet and sour memories of middle school.
I've been skinny all my life. My father has a high metabolism that burns calories faster than you can say Gaga. I inherited this trait and ended up having a skinny body. People would call me anorexic or bulimic. They would pester me in the locker room, asking if I made myself throw up after lunch. I had the gym teacher come up to me an meanly ask: "Why would you even do that?" Instead of askikng me in private, he did this in front of the class while he was taking attendance. I was embarrassed. It wasn't true. I've never had an eating disorder but because I was skinny and small, they assumed that I had anorexia. This bothered me a lot. I never spoke to the counselor about it. I didn't think he would understand.
Here comes the most painful thing about middle school. The whole gay thing as some in my school called it.
I was always kind of flamboyant in my behavior. I always talked to the young ladies making them laugh and such. I was known for dancing in the hallways, blurting my stream of consciousness, and always having my nose in a book.
At my school, being flamboyant or not acting like the other boys automatically made you a queer. I was aksed several times by my peers if I was gay because I liked to read. Because I liked to break it down at school dances. Because I always talked to girls. They would say: "That kid is so gay. He doesn't even LIKE girls. He highlights his hair!"
I'm not gay. So I certainly hated hearing those accusations. Especially when they became rumors or kept asking me about it. I developed low self-esteem because of this. I began to question my sexuality because of their observations. I began to think if I act like the stereotype, then it must be true. I became depressed. Nothing really made me happy at the point in my life. I would have periods of happiness and then it would dissipate. Now on to high school.
The last year of middle school was great. I made close friends that followed into high school. My first two years in high school were also bittersweet. A couple good moments and some shitty ones. I also discovered Gaga! More on that later.
So anway, I took an art class because it was required by the state to have one fine arts credit in order to graduate. I've never been good on putting my visiual concepts on paper in the form of an illustration, so art was pretty hard for me. The teacher would let us listen to the radio. I knew all the current songs, singing along to them and continuing my flirtations with the young ladies. I was labeled gay again because I liked singing. People would tell me to stop singing. I know it can annoying when you're concentrating on something so I respected that. But for some reason, bullies would accuse me of singing and would throw erasers at me for humming a Taylor Swift song. I hated sitting next to them. I never told the teacher. I nearly failed art because I couldn't focus with all the negativty just swirling like a hurricane.
The gay labeling continued into my sophomore year in my history class. People would get mad at me for no reason. They didn't like that I was smart and did all my homework. They would call me a faggot for wearing a certain shirt. A T-shirt with like Spider-Man on it. I like comic books! But apparently they didn't care. I would have paper planes thrown at me with: "You're a faggot! Go die in a hole! You like it up the butt! Pansy! I would stick up for myself but that was only met with more insults, which I will not mention. What really hurt the most was that the teacher knew it was happening and didn't do anything about it. One day she came up to me and said: "Alek, keep up the good work. You have one of the highest grades in the class."
Of course that didn't stop the bullying. That was a long trimester. She would move the seats but they would still throw things. I'm not one to cry in front of people, but there were times where I got angry with the world and why I was being treadt so poorly by this group of people.
I wasn't gay. I didn't like it up the butt. I wasn't going to kill myself like they told me to. I hated the class, but then I took my exam and hustled out of the place like nobody's business and onto summer vacation.
But during this time, I landed into a another art class. For the love of Gaga of course. I loved it everytime one of her songs came on the radio. She only had two out at the time. Just Dance and Poker Face! I knew all the words. I watched her perform on American Idol. However, I saw her first at the 2008 Miss Universe pageant and I've loved her ever since. The clothes, the voice, she's sexy, her videos. Everything. She inspired me to pick up a pen and write songs. Songwriting has truly helped me cope with some of the negativity in my life. Her music helped me get through the awful sophomore year. I bought The Fame the day after Michael Jackson died. I had been saving up my money mowing lawns just so I could buy it. And I learned every song and came back as the school's biggest Gaga fan my junior year. I was also the school's biggest MJ fan as well. (I went to a small school) This elicited more criticism but that's for another blog because this one is already too long.
|Posted by felicia on February 9, 2012 at 7:25 PM||comments (1)|
I hope You can better understand me i do not socailize correctly
Asperger's Syndrome - Symptoms Although there are many possible symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, the main symptom is significant trouble with social situations. Your child may have mild to severe symptoms or have a few or many of these symptoms. Because of the wide variety of symptoms, no two children with Asperger's are alike.
Symptoms during childhood
Recommended Related to Autism Raising a Child with Asperger’s Syndrome: Mary Walsh’s Story
I began noticing something was different about my son, Matthew, when he wasabout two years old. He didn’t make good eye contact. Noise bothered him. Hehad trouble with some of his motor skills, such as using a spoon.He was also having a tough time at day care. He’d cry when I dropped himoff. He couldn’t relate to other kids. He would get bothered if toys got out oforder. And he clapped a lot, more than normal. When I look back at pictures ofhim at that age, he looked really sad, really...
Read the Raising a Child with Asperger’s Syndrome: Mary Walsh’s Story article > >
Parents often first notice the symptoms of Asperger's syndrome when their child starts preschool and begins to interact with other children. Children with Asperger's syndrome may:
Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking.Dislike any changes in routines.Appear to lack empathy.Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech. So your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. And his or her speech may be flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent.Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back." Avoid eye contact or stare at others.Have unusual facial expressions or postures.Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs. Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized.Have delayed motor development. Your child may be late in learning to use a fork or spoon, ride a bike, or catch a ball. He or she may have an awkward walk. Handwriting is often poor.Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. For more information about these symptoms, see sensory integration dysfunction. A child with one or two of these symptoms does not necessarily have Asperger’s syndrome. To be diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, a child must have a combination of these symptoms and significant trouble with social situations.
Although the condition is in some ways similar to autism, a child with Asperger's syndrome typically has normal language and intellectual development. Also, those with Asperger's syndrome typically make more of an effort than those with autism to make friends and engage in activities with others.
Symptoms during adolescent and teen years
Most symptoms persist through the teen years. And although teens with Asperger's can begin to learn those social skills they lack, communication often remains difficult. They will probably continue to have difficulty "reading" others' behavior
|Posted by Gabby on February 6, 2012 at 8:00 PM||comments (3)|
Hello monsters how are you today? <3 I am not so great. Life was pretty good until fifth grade. Girls ruled, boys drooled. All that candy land stuff girls thought when they were little. That was me but things started to change. I was at a catholic school. It was fine and great and I found my two best friends there, but I discovered more bitches and douche bags than friends. It started when a kid, Jacob, made fun of me because I had a unibrow. I have dark hair so it was noticeable...but I was in fifth grade! I didn't think that stuff mattered...I'll never forget the guy who defended me because Jacob came back again the next day and being defended made me feel good but after fifth grade I would get no more defense. I was always a chubby kid and not very pretty. The teasing worsened in middle school. I was called chubby, fat, all those classic overweight names you can name. The worst one that still kills me was Pilsbury doe girl, which came along with a poke in the stomach aka my flab zone. What I did not get for the life of me, was the kid doing that wasn't so thin himself. it was depressing and ALL the girls in my class were skinny little size zeros. I would eat and eat because there wasn't much to do. I was made fun of for a long time, not for being fat but for being too pale, miss mustache, bad teeth, and my nose hairs which were apparently so atrocious. I felt shitty throughout middle school and was an introvert. I hated all the skinny girls they were so popular and looked good all the time. I was happy to find my two best friends (yes I have 2, I can't decide lol) Nicole and Lindsey. I wouldn't have them for long because my parents were giving me what seemed like a death sentence. A public school away from all my friends that accepted me! I cried and cried during the summer and I had summer school for most of it which was not a fun time -_-". It was horrible I had to do gym and I was one of the few heavier people who sucked ass. Plus my disgusting red itchy acne did not help the cause. But now it's 2012, I am a sophomore and I am sitting here a little teary eyed because I don't feel so great. I do look better, and I finally gave in and starved myself and dropped 25 pounds, I still feel fat though. My acne has been controlled to one or two to nothing and my eye brows, the mustache I never saw and my nose hairs have been fixed. Now people poke fun at my skin still and my moles...all the other people that aren't white always go so loud OMG I HATE WHITE PEOPLE THEY HAVE SO MANY MOLES AND ARE SOO PALE EEWW. Yes I am pale but I didn't think it was such an issue...and I hate my moles too I want to go to a doctor and burn every single one off. Its worse because I do not see my best friends as much, hardly at all. We text but being with that person you love like family isn't the same as words on a screen. I try to hold it in but I can't, I know what you're thinking. Tell your friends! I can't! Most of my friends are in worse situations then me. This past winter break my friend has lost her mother to breast cancer a few days before christmas and another is battling depression and cutting herself. This makes me feel worse because I sit there wondering why I shoud be crying about myself and my friends would probably kill to have my problem. I always feel sad because I don't know what to tell my friends whose mother died. Saying sorry is stupid and I can only try so hard...and my friend usually texts me when she wants to cut but I'm always freaking busy away from my phone when she does and I come back too late! I'm worried sick about them and my own problems make me feel like a pile of dinosaur poop. Sometimes I pretend to be sick and stay home because I just can't face anyone. I never complain in front of people about my looks either because I don't want to be seen as those girls who complains to get compliments. It also hurts because when I talk about what happened in middle school with my family they laugh! Middle school was one of my darkest times and you're laughing at my pain? It still hurts and I remember all the time. I've called myself a lot of bad names, written them on paper, classic lip stick on the mirrors, and thought about cutting but I promised myself to never do it. I really didn't have anywhere else to go so I came here...Even now I feel like I'm bothering you guys. Well thank you for reading & I hope it didn't take up to much time </3