|Posted by Glitter on March 13, 2012 at 12:55 AM|
Hey, Jayde again. And if you haven't read my earlier entry. I've been bullied for my sexual preference, weight, and face at school. I'm abused at home and have been cutting now for near six years. Two weeks ago I turned sixteen and was faced with the anniversary of when I ran away, and more importantly, my first suicide attempt. I realised how different, yet still the same I am one year later. My life, is still on it's last threads, yet I have different friends, different bullies, and a different life. I am more thin, and more pretty people tell me. But I don't feel that way. I can't eat because eating makes you fat and I have continued to cut, despite efforts to quit. I want to talk to my school counselor, but I can't because he'll tell my mother. And I'm scared. In many ways I've grown stronger, but at the same time, last night I grew angry and repeirced my belly button. I feel fat and ugly all the time and don't talk to people at school. They call me Lady Gaga, which is utterly flattering, until they say 'she kissed a girl, shes a lesbian. look how she dresses, she's a freak. she has no taste in music.' and more.
So I feel forced to go home, and cry. Each time I cut, I cut deeper and it hurts. But I literally cannot make myself stop. It is a true addiction, like drugs or alcohol. And, it is truly, very, very difficult to stop. If you ever, ever feel like cutting, or suicide... come to me, I can and will help you. I will always have time. Don't ever do something irrational, like me, it may change your life for the worse. I have no friends, and I get beat up.
Why? Because I'm a lesbian. Because of Jamey. Because Jamey, aka James Timothy Rodemeyer was my best friend. And I tried to stop him. Unfortunately his bullies got to him first. He was so sweet, and I felt terrible. He always told me, when he was gone, I had to 'come out'. He made me promise, so I did. And then he died, so I came out the next day. It was the beginning of the second to worse school year of my life. Coming up close to last year, where I had to transfer schools because it got so bad. And I may have to again.