It seems like my story of the end of my childhood begins with a downfall. My grandpa died when I was 12 years old and he was like a father to me, cause my real dad was never here. My grandpa was the only male figure in my little world and he loved me very much. And one day, suddenly, he was gone.

I changed my school and couldn't find myself between the other kids. I was a loner, an outcast. I never spoke with anyone and I was used to calling me a freak or a weirdo. However, it hurt me very much. I sank into depression that lasted over 1,5 year and I began to self harm. I attempted a suicide a few times, because I wanted that nightmare to end.

The school I was walking to, was a school for rich kids, I was a poor one who got a scholarships for good grades. My depression though turned me into one of the worst students. I didn't care. What for? I was ashamed that I couldn't afford new clothes like other girls and I never let my dad, who came back home back then, to took me to my school with his car, it was so terrible.

Then, somewhere between my sadness, I started writing, composing. I wrote poems, short stories, song (I play the guitar). And though no one still wanted to talk to me, people started respecting me for what I was doing, cause I was the best in my school. If there was some art project in my class, everybody was pointing at me. I was so shy back then. Sometimes I even stopped breathing to not to disturb anybody. I didn't eat at school... I still have problems with eating in public, so sometimes I can go days on just a water. But it's not healthy and I'm trying to get rid of this too

Somehow I finished this school and started a highschool. It was a little change. I had a friend and I opened myself a little. I passed all my mature exams and got to an university I wanted.

I turned 19 and I was living in one rented room with my good friend. We were like sisters, or a pair some would said. We shared everything and we were having fun together. I developed pretty big nicotine addiction and we liked to drink much beer an stuff. These were a few most crazy months in my life. It ended with kicking us outta the room and we were homeless for a few days. I coudn't care less. I was a queen of the city and I needed a party. I wanted music and champagne.

Me and my friend had to split up and I moved into some older ladie's flat. I had a little pink room and soon it appeared my depression came back on a track. I didn't come up of my room, unless I wanted to smoke, I started cutting and hating myself. I was preparing myself to die. I chose a song I wanted to be played. I chose a short, bright blue dress...

...I was after short and devastating relationship. I was raped. I was again an outcast. I had only a few buddies who liked to drink with me.

I went to psychiatrist cause I had to fight. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, later with schizotypal personality disorder. This was who I always was, I still am, and I always be. I'll always have ups and downs and people will thing I'm a little freaky. But I am very lovable freak^^

I had to eave university due to the state of my health and attempted suicide once again. I cut deeper. I OD'd more often. I went up and down, up and down... and I know it'll happen some time again, but I'm enjoying my life as it is now.

What has changed? I went to school, I met some amazing friends, I published two books of my poetry and soon I'll publish my first novel. I started a band and I'm still writing songs. I found out how much fun you can get from cosplay.

I am 21 years old now. Quite a few years has passed, ne? And I'm still kicking and I'm gaining for everything. You gotta be brave, sweethearts, brave and strong and never ever give up on yourself no matter how dark and scary the night can be. People will always talk bullshit. Like Lady Gaga said: 'People will always talk, so lets give them sumthin to talk about'

I am survivour and I'll never stop fighting. For myself, and for all of you who need that <3

Much love,

Trisha